The problem isn’t your kids, it’s you. Or so says the “conscious parenting” philosophy that’s making new waves in modern parenting.
What is conscious parenting?
Conscious parenting concepts are rooted in ancient Eastern beliefs, as well as Western psychology. According to Tsabary, to be “conscious” or mindful is to be aware—so we can identify the difference between reacting to our children from our egos and from the calmer, centred state of who we truly are. It’s all about the ability to be in the moment in any situation that arises. And when it comes to living in the present, she says, our children are gurus who can awaken us to be real, giving us the gift of self-awareness, self-expression and deep self-belief.
While Tsabary offers lots of examples and case studies, she doesn’t give any quick fixes or step-by-step strategies—which may be off-putting for parents looking for some fast, tangible solutions. She sees consciousness as a lifelong journey, a moment-by-moment practice to connect with yourself and your children from a place of love, authenticity and acceptance rather than fear, ego and control.
Free your children from the need for your approval
“Children don’t need us to lead them to an awakened state because they are already awake,” Tsabary writes. “As parents, it’s vital for us to understand that as long as our children are in touch with their deepest self, with its boundless resources, they will motivate themselves beyond anything we could ever imagine.”
How can parents put this lesson into action? Besides abandoning the idea that your kid needs to do certain things (including having “good” behaviour and high grades, and even meeting expectations around eating and sleeping), you can regularly let them know how accepted and appreciated they are simply for being themselves. In fact, Tsabary says the most important objective of being a parent is creating space for our children to be in touch with their own spirit.
“If you take nothing else away from this book, this is the most fundamental lesson on becoming an awakened family: Placing expectations on your child instead of allowing the child’s own natural inclinations to emerge spontaneously may well result in an emotional Grand Canyon between you and your child,” Tsabary writes in The Awakened Family. When they do start showing serious interest in certain activities or hobbies, she cautions parents to let them sit with those desires for some time before jumping into them. By doing so, we give ourselves a chance to tune into our children’s true, deep desires instead of those that are coming from their own egos, like what they think they want in the moment or what they think others want for them. By waiting, we also allow them to commit to their passions and work toward a goal, which is far more valuable than “blindly indulging” them.
Know your triggers
Does parenting even matter?A big piece of the “conscious parenting” philosophy is understanding that all misbehavior (your kid’s) and dysfunction (yours) stem from unmet emotional needs in childhood. It sounds a lot like Psychoanalysis 101—hurt people hurt people, right?—but it can be humbling to realize how you may be manipulating or lashing out at your kids to compensate for your own issues. According to Tsabary, the mother of all wounds is a feeling of unworthiness and self-doubt, and this can manifest in many ways: for example, as a fear of being unloved (you try to overplease your children and find it hard to create boundaries), a fear of conflict (again, you can’t say no to your kids and you let them walk all over you) or even a fear of saying yes (you find it hard to give your child your undivided attention or to see their demands as natural and not an imposition).
Instead of blaming or resenting our own parents, who were also just doing their best while carrying around their own pain or emotional baggage, Tsabary says you can use this insight to reflect on how your children provoke you, which will ideally make it easier to recognize and deal with issues as they arise in the moment.
Boundaries instead of discipline
The conscious approach to behaviour issues focuses on the three C’s: creating clear, consistent and compassionate boundaries so discipline is unnecessary. She says children pick up on our inconsistency, especially when it’s based in fear. When we’re inconsistent with communicating our “non-negotiable” boundaries, such as bathing, getting enough sleep, tidying up and limiting screen time, it may be because we ourselves lack that discipline or we’re unconsciously afraid that if we don’t give our kids what they want, they will reject us. Just like connecting to our children makes them feel safe, healthy boundaries make them feel secure. She goes further to say that punishment, time outs and arbitrary threats are not only ineffective in the long run but are also signs of “lazy and rote parenting.” Ouch! Arguably, a lot of parents, including myself, try to use consequences like time outs with reason and empathy. I mean, I read an entire book on how to do it effectively—so how is that lazy? But Tsabary is right in saying that some of those tricks are losing their initial charm. She believes in positive reinforcement and offering only natural and logical consequences.
“We don’t give a consequence,” Tsabary writes. “They arise directly out of an answer to the question, ‘What is the need being expressed by my child’s behaviour?’” If your kid is goofing off instead of getting ready for bed, maybe you need to be playful by brushing your teeth with them. If your child won’t respect the iPad rules, maybe you need to come up with a screen time “agreement” where their input is taken into consideration.
While some of the advice in the conscious parenting philosophy feels way too starry-eyed and unrealistic (“when we enter the dynamic to support them in their own efforts to grow, we receive little if any resistance”), Tsabary does offer concrete examples of what this approach looks like in action—for example, when your toddler inevitably throws a tantrum (stay calm and simply observe their emotions until the volatility passes) or your school-age kid won’t clean their room (either let it go or reflect on your own messy habits before having a heart-to-heart about the values of cleanliness) or your teen is not respecting a screen-time limit (step in front of your child, lower their screen and look directly in their eyes as you make a request).
Does this mean parents should never get upset? No, says Tsabary. They should just learn to respond in healthier ways, by expressing themselves honestly and authentically versus letting their emotions drive knee-jerk and charged reactions. “When we understand our role in co-creating each situation, we no longer blame the other,” she writes. To work on our own calmness and patience, she recommends parents meditate for 15 to 20 minutes a day to observe our thoughts and “access [our] still centre.”
Is conscious parenting really that revolutionary?
Even though Tsabary’s conscious approach to parenting has been hailed as evolved and revolutionary, there is a fairly long tradition of books encouraging parents to make more mindful and deliberate parenting choices.
Sarah Rosensweet, a parenting coach who practises a similar method, called “peaceful parenting,” argues that the broader trend toward more intentional styles of raising kids over the past couple of decades has been groundbreaking on a cultural level. “The whole conscious parenting movement is coming from a place of recognizing that for our kids to be emotionally resilient and have high EQ [emotional quotient] and be successful in that way, we need to help them with their emotions from an early age.”
In her practice, she says, parents find looking at their own issues, triggers and reactions helpful not only in moving through the day and the schedule with their kids—like motivating them to brush their teeth or go to school—but in feeling happier and closer with them by providing more compassion and patience. “This is the great thing about peaceful parenting or conscious parenting principles. They’re not just parenting principles—they’re relationship principles.”
But as with any parenting or relationship advice, it has to work for you and where you’re at, says parenting expert Ann Douglas, whose latest book, Happy Parents, Happy Kids, is a guide to boosting the enjoyment of parenting without the guilt.
“I think the challenge with these kinds of books, as somebody who reads and writes them, is finding a way to write a book that doesn’t cause parents to feel really overwhelmed with feelings of guilt or to feel frustrated that the standard being set for ‘good parenting’ is something that just isn’t attainable to them because they’re mere mortals or they have to deal with all the realities of parenting in a complex or messy world.”
Douglas says we have to acknowledge that some children are more challenging to parents than others, some parenting stages are proven to be more difficult and some families are grappling with extraordinary needs and circumstances.
She also says we have to recognize how hard parenting is and that everybody gets it wrong at some point.
Douglas points to one part in The Conscious Parent where it says, “Parenting is not that complicated or difficult once we become conscious because a conscious person is naturally loving and authentic”—which some parents would rightly be offended by. “Parenting has been the focus of all of my professional and personal activity for decades, and I still find it really hard,” Douglas says. “So I wouldn’t want a parent who finds it hard to think they’re doing it wrong. Parenting is actually hard.”
